I don’t know…Maybe it’s Peace.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017 was my last day at my current job. I was hired as a temp 6 months ago and was quite excited for the new opportunity. Granted, it wasn’t the perfect job, but it was better than anything I’d had previously. When my agency first called me and told me about the position, I was told I was going to be for an administrative assistant. But BOY WHERE THEY WRONG. I ended up being an HR assistant doing way more than I expected to. I was doing basic administrative tasks but also handling insurance changes, employee changes, and so much more. I knew that I was getting great experience and was really excited about it. I never really thought I would leave that job, but when my boss and the COO called me into a meeting, my worst fears became my reality in less than 2 minutes.

When I found out I was leaving, I think I was pretty numb at first. I didn’t really have much to say and I was shocked. I put on a brave face and smiled and told the two people who changed my life that it was all OK. I knew my poker face was working when the COO told me that I “made it easy” for them to let me go, like they expected for me to tear the pictures off the wall or something. Either way, I walked out of that meeting and back to my desk numb. I didn’t really have much to say and couldn’t even cry if I wanted to.

I don’t remember when I cried. I don’t remember when it registered that my time there was coming to an end. I don’t remember the conversation between my parents and I. I don’t even remember when I prayed about it. In my mind, I was going to have to start from square one again. I knew there was nothing wrong with me, but it was still hard to deal with the fact that my day to day life was soon changing.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, things at my job started to get really crazy. Some of my coworkers were off the wall. My boss got more and more insane. More responsibility and expectations were pushed on me and everything was just CRAZY. However, even through all the craziness, I was still emotionally trying to hold onto this position. But no one saw that. They interviewed new people for my position and even hired someone. Everyday things got worse and worse but I didn’t get why.

The icing on the cake was when I had to 1.) turn down a job offer because my boss threatened to give my agency a bad report on me if I left early,  2.) do the orientation for the new hire and 3.) TRAIN the new hire. My family and friends thought all of these things were absolutely insane, BUT I was learning to walk in biblical love (1 Corinthians 13) so even though it bothered me to my CORE, I knew that I wasn’t serving them, I was ultimately serving the Lord. The last month or so sucked. Everyday was hard, finding a new job was hard, preparing things for the new girl was hard, it was all just…HARD. My spirit was wearing down and I was starting to get tired. I was constantly in prayer asking the Lord to send a new job, to make everyone stop being so crazy, and to give me the strength to endure the wrong that was being done to me. I didn’t see God working until…

Everything changed. It almost was like a light bulb went off in my head. The last two days of work, I felt different. My boss was no longer being crazy with ME, but with the new girl. My last day I RAN out of that place … happy? Was that happiness I felt? Was that RELIEF I felt? What is this feeling? After crying, praying, whining about leaving my job, I was happy? No, it couldn’t be. Then I realized, God DID hear my prayers! He DID see me struggling. As much as I wanted the people at my job to care about me, to stop using me, and to see how they were hurting me, they didn’t. Those people didn’t care about me, BUT GOD DID. And not only that, He cared about me enough to SHOW me why I didn’t need to be in that HOT MESS of a job. He knew my spirit couldn’t endure one more day, He knew my emotions couldn’t bear one more moment. But instead of just lifting me up and taking me out of the nonsense, He showed me WHY I had to leave! Sometimes God will leave you somewhere so you can come to the conclusion yourself that it hurts more to hold on, than to let go. He showed me that I wasn’t missing ANYTHING by taking me out of there. And for THAT I thank God.

While all those emotions I felt were true (the happiness and relief), something else was giving my soul rest. It was peace. It was calming and indescribable peace. Because I’ve never really recognized peace, I had no idea what it was. And honestly, 3 days later, I still have it. Philippians 4:7 says that God will give us a peace that surpasses all understanding, and trust me, I do NOT understand why I’m so calm about not having a job right now. But I do know, I’m happy God showed me WHY I had to leave and then took me out of the situation. I’m glad he gave me his peace that I don’t have to question, but that I can just rest in.

So at the end of it all, yea it was happiness and yes it was relief. But I don’t know, maybe the short way to describe it is: God’s Peace.

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